Oh no, I'm scared, we got this guy, Stevie,
Getting ready to harm us with his elementary.
Nobody wants to touch your handy-dandy-notebook,
Sit down in your thinking chair and think unlike a crook.
Stop smoking hardcore shrooms, you can't jump through walls.
(On Blue's Clues, Steve/Joe is able to jump into paintings, pictures and books while reciting the phrase "Blue skidoo, we can too." Joe says that Steve is high on shrooms and only thinks he is able to jump into the walls. It could also be a reference to the rumor that Steve Burns, the actor who portrays Steve, was fired because of drug use.)
I mean, Jesus Christ, why the hell do you trip balls?
Don't drop the slippery soap, you'll bend down and repel.
(Slippery Soap is a character from Blue's Clues who usually gets around by sliding across surface. Joe makes a play on the phrase don't drop the soap, which is a warning to people going to prison or jail to not bend over to pick up dropped bars of soap in the showers as they are left vulnerable to anal sex. Joe thinks that he would repulse anyone if he bent down.)
I'll meet you in the bathroom, give you my Joe and Tell.
I'm sitting here thinking "Why the hell are you here?"
Green striped shirt? he nana! You look like a queer.
I feel bad for you, the blue paint's always on the carpet.
I'll kick you out the door like it was a Sparta kick.
(In the film 300, King Leonidas kicks a Persian Messenger into a deep pit after declining their offer of peace while shouting "This is Sparta!" which started an internet meme. Joe will kick Steve out of the door in the same way.)
Okay, big brother, get out of this TV show,
I'm the host now, BITCH, I'll let you clean the floors.
We just got a letter, I wonder who it's from.
(Usually in the show, Steve/Joe would get a letter and sing the above line as they opened it. The message was usually a video from a child around the world. This also sets up his next line.)
It's probably from that studio telling you that your run is done.
(Steve continues his insult by saying the letter is from the studio finally firing Joe.)
Sit on my thinking chair and grab my handy-dandy-notebook,
(The handy-dandy-notebook is where clues are jotted down once one of Blue's paw prints are found and the thinking chair is where Steve/Joe usually sit to solve the riddle at the end of the episode. Steve is setting up his next insult below.)
I'm surprised you even have a wife judging by your looks.
(Donovan Patton, the actor who portrays Joe, is married to Jackie Patton in real-life. Steve is surprised he is even married since he is unattractive.)
Let's go find Blue's Clues, here's a clue,
(In the show, Blue leaves a paw print on various objects in different locations. Once three are found, Steve/Joe must solve a riddle to find out what Blue is trying to tell them.)
That hairstyle makes you look like a Jew.
They replaced me with you because they felt bad.
Little kids seeing you host makes them sad.
You did not even think about going that far,
I'm sure in 20 years, you'll be drunk at the bar.
I mean, Jesus Christ, you look like a thug now.
I saw Magenta with Blue, boom, pow, pow!
You made an album called "Songs for Dustmites?" LOL!
(After leaving his role on Blues Clues, Steve Burns focused on his music career and his debut album was called Songs for Dustmites. Joe laughs at how ridiculous the title is and continues the insult below...)
Sounds like a 12-year-old's words after smoking a bowl.
(Joe thinks that Songs for Dustmites sounds like something a high 12-year-old would come up with.)
100 shows? GOD DAMN, looks like a world record!
Sit down in your thinking chair, let me give you a lecture.
Listen bro, okay, you were a good host.
But unfortunately, I'm the one kids like the most.
That's a bunch of bullshit, biggest lie ever!
The time kids bitch about me? Probably never!
Fine, you win. You're a better host, bro.
But that doesn't change the fact that you like a hoe, though.
You look like a freaky guy that's done hardcore drugs.
I talked to Sasha last night, I rocked her jugs!
(Steve claims that he has hooked up with Donovan's daughter Sasha. Jugs is a slang term for breasts so Steve also played with them while having sex with her.)
Oh well, little hoe, I want you to go back to talking to a table,
I'll add it to the list of "Joe's Non-Fascinating Fables"
Nobody even likes you, they bitch about your rotten teeth,
They like Pimp Steve and I think you'd better leave,
Tell that bitch, Magenta, Blue will come back and hunt her,
Oh wait, I take that back, I'm gonna cut her.